Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Fat Man's Prayer

The David Frost Show was very popular. We won the Emmy Award in 1970. Incredible artists, politicians and personalities from Andy Warhol, Spiro Agnew and Noel Coward to Tiny Tim and Howard Cosell appeared on the stage at The Little Theatre.

And we used to get mountains of mail asking for autographs and photos along with the usual amount of hate mail or praise. Every once and a while there would be a surge in requests for copies of something seen or produced on the show.

The most requested item was from the appearance of Victor Buono on March 11, 1970.

Now, for those of you who don't know or may not remember Victor Buono; he was a very large man. He had a commanding presence on stage and a powerful voice. His career ran the gamut from his Academy Award nomination for best supporting actor as Edwin Flagg in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane playing opposite Bette Davis and Joan Crawford to King Tut in the Batman TV series.

It was on that day that he recited one of the funniest poems I have ever heard. And with compliments to a great actor and poet, I give you:

The Fat Man's Prayer
by Victor Buono

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
Incited by my wicked diet.

We are what we eat, said a wise old man,
And Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can!
I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain,
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane!

So grant me strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot curls be sated
That my soul may be polyunsaturated.

And show me the light that I may bear witness
To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
At oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
For the road to hell is spread with butter.

And cake is cursed, and cream is awful,
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in provolone,
The devil is in each slice of bologna,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer is a lollipop!

Give me this day my daily slice -
But cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from Jujubees.

And my when days of trial are done
And my war with malted milks is won,
Let me stand in the heavenly throng
In a shining robe - Size 37 Long!

I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
If you'll teach me the evils of mayonnaise,
The sinfulness of hollandaise

And pasta a la milanese
And potatoes a la lyonaise
And crisp fried chicken from the south!

Lord, if you love me, SHUT MY MOUTH!


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